Smita Elmore

Walking on sunshine - and it’s time to feel good!

Err, not quite running up that hill Kate Bush. Not yet!

So I’ve been kindly and yet firmly told off for “downplaying” or diminishing what’s been happening this past 6 weeks. I take offence at that given I’m a raging extrovert who prides myself on my transparency. Harrumph In fact last year when in acute dependency my amazing nurse Shelley said “I thought when you came in you were really really shy! I realise now how sick you were!?” Clearly I am too loud to be dismissing stuff right!?

And yet…  There’s a kernel of truth to it.. I love thinking about myself on as glass half full, strong (physically and mentally) and resilient.The reality is if I’m not feeling or being those things then who am I? 

My lesson in vulnerability and  accepting help is fully and uncomfortably underway and hey chronic conditions are the “fertile ground” of that learning right? From my experience people tend assume it’s a time of crisis where you have to demonstrate strength and resilience. “It must have been so scary, you must have really had to dig deep” 

For me that’s actually not the case- because when the proverbial hits the fan I reckon the human condition compels us to respond in kind. For me it’s recovery… that’s the test of our grit. 

I think I think this because the illusion of control is the most challenging for me. The fact that you think that you are in charge, on top of and managing it when all the while the thing you are living and  recovering from is subtly tap tap tapping on your shoulder saying “hey don’t get cocky and think you have done away with me in fact just get a cold and we will see who is boss!”

So the truth is …. it’s still early days. I’m now stable and in early recovery. I’m still on high doses of meds to get me out of the acute phase but this isn’t a linear process so it’s one step forward a couple back but crucially still forward. 

To hear me, well I sound like a cross between Sid James and Dot Cotton- but at least now I can speak full sentences 🙌🏽

I can’t yet shower standing up, and only made it downstairs this last week for the first time in a month- it’s the blinking stairs- I’ve never liked hills 🤣

I can get sleep only sitting up in 2hr-3hr increments at a time and  usually waking coughing or because I’ve shifted position and my lungs feel compressed.  

To give myself some semblance of control I’ve cut my very “long to my bum hair” to just under my ears because I simply couldn’t take care of it without a lot of time and supporting inhalers and, in my eyes,  hair shouldn’t take such effort! (Don’t tell my Punjabi family that bit!) 

So definitely nowhere near the top of the hill and certainly not running now or anytime soon.

BUT I do know and feel without false positivity I really am one of the lucky ones and one day, maybe in 2027, my aim is still to run up that hill. 

When that happens it’ll be directly attributable to the work this charity does to help people like me. 

Things like being at the end of a phone with practical, medical and personal advice.  Videos and info to help me navigate inhalers and understand meds to make sure I know when and how to take stuff to get best effect.

So for these reasons I’d be grateful if you would help me help them - any contribution no matter big or small will make a genuine difference. I can say 100% from personal experience they have indeed given me the semblance of control. So for a brief moment they did that deal, swapped places and carried me up that hill.

Like Britney says… Oops I did it again.